So, a couple weeks ago I mentioned an article about the HRL teams as rappers. Probably my best article-related idea in years… Then Epstein stole a week and then I let Franklin take over a week. Handing over the reigns of the rankings? Probably my worst idea in years. Writing the rankings from #1 to #24, absolutely the worst idea. It’s called building up to a climax, gentlemen. You should try it sometime (insert subtle adult joke *wink*).
Anyways, here you go. The HRL as some of Nightmare’s favorite rappers.
Time for jokes…
24. Lugnuts (0-16)… The first one is the hardest (that’s what she said?). I had two great options, so you can choose your comedy… Option 1: Still Not a (Wiffleball) Player… and they don’t crush a lot. That’s right, we’re talking about Big Pun. A one hit wonder? Maybe. Just like the Lugnuts on most nights. Not bad, right? Okay, option 2: Bone Thugs and Harmony because when you play the Lugnuts, you wake up, wake up, wake up, like it’s the 1st of tha Month… everybody gets some when you play the ‘Nuts. Not as good, but who doesn’t love a little Bone Thugs?
23. Rattlers (0-16). I dunno, this one was difficult. I met these youths, but just like my pre-teen son and his friends, they didn’t really seem interested in talking to someone their fathers’ age… sigh… Anyways, I’m going with: DaBaby. First, I love Dababy, and I’m pretty fond of the Rattlers. Even if they want nothing to do with this old man. DaBaby is also probably one of three rappers on my list these young men have heard of. So, DaBaby it is… and, you know… they’re babies (cause obviously I’m going to grab low lying fruit like that).
22. The Ying Yang Twins, as I’m sure you’re aware, are probably best known for their hit song, Wait (The Whisper Song). Besides wishing Vlade (Twins (2-14)) could only speak in a whisper (or not at all)… this song features the… umm… “classic” line, “Ayy… wait ‘til you see my d*ck.” Repeatedly. And… well… if you’ve ever seen what K-Mart does to a score sheet, you get the joke. If you haven’t, well, the man draws d*cks.
21. Athletics (4-9). Most of the league, I think including most of the Athletics, are too young to remember the Phillies/Padres/Padillies… whatever they wanted to call themselves on any given night. I could go on and on and on about the Reds/Phillies rivalries in Eagan, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll go on and on and on about the original “worst music at the rinks:” Shirls’ music. He’ll argue, he’ll disagree, but holy cow, he ruined a whole genre of “music” for me. He’d show up and crank up his boombox for maybe three hours and we’d only hear 3 songs. Just the longest, boring-est, jam-bandy-est music ever. Awful. Annoying. Anyways, speaking of long, awful songs: Rapper’s Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang clocks in at a mere 14 minutes 37 seconds, or about half as long as one of Shirls’s tye-dye-hemp-infused jam session songs.
20. I think I’ve said this before, but Neut of the Marlins (4-10) is one of the smartest, clever-er-est people I know. He’s also hilarious. Which reminds me of one of my favorite-est, clever and hilarious rappers, David Burd aka ‘Lil Dicky.’ If you’ve never heard Lil Dicky, think of Weird Al rapping, but in addition to being hilarious, the rapping/lyrics are pretty dang good as well. Anyways, the Marlins are a lot like Lil Dicky. Hilarious and clever… the “pretty good” (at wiffles) part though… on occassion.
19. Outside of the rink (and my neighborhood), the wiffler I’ve seen in person most recently is Wiffle Jesus of the Trash Pandas (5-11). I was taking my lunchtime walk through the skyway downtown and I saw him in the Government Center. He was close enough to recognize, but just far enough that I didn’t want to yell, “HEY WIFFLE JESUS!!” to get his attention. Anyways, Jesus Walks is one of Kanye West’s iconic songs, and I hope one day Wiffle Jesus walks with me to get lunch in the skyway. That’s a stretch, but whatever. I also could have gone with: Maybe Wiffle Jesus walks away from the Pandas to join the Disco Turkeys in 2026… also, pretty “mid.”
18. I’ve had the (mis)fortune to share a rink with the Tortugas (5-12) on several occasions this year. I have to say, the league hasn’t had an addition like Cherry since… Franklin (that may or may not be a compliment). Anyways, my impression of the middle-aged out-of-shape wiffling turtles is that they show up every week thinking they have a chance, like Bone Crusher, they ain’t Never Scared. I like that. It’s foolish and silly, but from my perspective, it’s fun. And as everyone knows, Nightmare loves fun!
[Here’s an obligatory reminder to log in and vote for your All-Stars!]
17. Millers (5-11). “Laid-back, yet intelligent.” That’s a description I found of A Tribe Called Quest’s music. I think that’s spot on for the Millers. Aside from Stache of course. I mean… mostly it’s just The Mart and Bliss Jr… and really just Bliss Jr. the more I think of it… what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Bliss Jr. is like Q-Tip… cause he does music and is cool.
[Also, I saw lil’ Dr. K (Dr. J?) is having a wiffle birthday this weekend? I apologize that I can’t make it, Nightmare Jr. (aka Fortnite) has a baseball tournament in Northfield, so I’ll be there all weekend. Anyways, I hope some of you can stop out and see the little guy. Having a kid of my own who looks up to you wifflers (not me of course), I know it would mean a lot. Take a couple hours of your weekend and make this kid’s birthday!]
16. Mariners (5-12). This will be another classic “build-your-own-joke” from me, Nightmare. Okay, here we go... Mariners = Seamen... And the rappers I choose are Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. Figure it out yet? Okay, they’re best known for their song Aww Skeet Skeet. So… do what you will with: Seamen + Aww Skeet Skeet. You’re welcome.
15. Tourists (7-10). Okay, this one was difficult, but I got there… eventually. Okay, so you’ve seen 8 Mile, right? I haven’t. Only bits and pieces, but I assume the plot is like Eminem is this superhero rapper, and this movie is his origin story? That is, he’s not much of a rapper until he gets bitten by a radioactive rapper or whatever and then he becomes Eminem, right? Anyways, the Tourists remind me of B-Rabbit, Eminem’s character, but only the parts when he’s not very good. Why? Well, I just realized a couple weeks ago Face was talking trash to me. Very poorly, of course, which is why it took two weeks for me to realize him yelling, “Daydream! Daydream!” at me was trash talk. Anyways, rap battles = trash talk and therefore, B-Rabbit. A stretch, and a fictional rapper, but… it’s all I got.
[Also, going through for revisions, I decided to YouTube some of 8-Mile, and one of the rappers B-Rabbit battles calls him a… tourist! (in that he’s visiting the ‘hood or whatever, I don’t know, I haven’t seen it.)]
14. Hops (7-7). I’m not talking their complexion when I say they remind me of Snow. You remember, a licky boom boom down, Informer. Maybe some of you are too young to remember this one hit wonder, just like you’re probably too young to remember the one time the Hops (Kardinals) made the World Series. Like 15 years ago. It’s over guys, you can stop reminding us you were there. TOOTIN!
13. Americans (7-7)… Shaboozey. Why? Cause I’m out of ideas, man. The best I could come up with is comparing the mash up of Shaboozey’s musical styles (country, rap, etc.) with this mash up of this team… not great, I know, but if you’re looking for great writing (or even okay writing), you’re in the wrong place, friend.
12. Reds (10-6). Nickleback. IYKYK.
11. Braves (9-5). Redman. I mean… it’s just a joke about their non-PC name.
[Side note: we can call off the search parties. I’ve spoken to Scrabble. He’s alive and well. And potentially considering a move in 2026 to the Disco Turkeys. That last part is a lie, I haven’t asked him… yet.]
10. Mets (9-7). I did a video where we played the Mets a few years back. I found out Migos had a song “Taco Tuesday.” We play Thursdays, but they don’t read these, so it’s close enough.
9. Chihuahuas (10-7). Denzel Curry. I’ll admit, I’d never heard of this guy until A-Jizz and I exchanged Spotify playlists (yes, we’re tight like THAT). I instantly liked the guy (Denzel Curry, not A-Jizz, that took awhile). He’s not quite up at the top of my list, but he’s close. So close, I almost used D-Curry for the Biscuits and was gonna talk about his song Goated… but then I remembered I don’t like to toot my own horn (that directly), so, I didn’t. Anyways, the lil’ puppies aren’t a new favorite of mine (anymore), but Denzel Curry is.
8. Yankees (10-5). I know the genesis of this article was “If HRL teams were rappers, the Yankees would be Snoop Dogg.” Like, that was the whole idea…. But… I mean… no. I changed my mind, these boys are Brooklyn’s finest, probably my favorite rapper of all time, Sean Carter, Jigga Man, Jay Z. Cool, classic, reinventing themselves to stay relevant.
7. Space Cowboys (11-5). This one was hard. I’ve compared the outer space cattle men to a band more times than I can count, so I figured this one had to be thoughtful… thoughtful rappers… that’s a short list (amongst my favorites)… I landed on Yasiin Bey aka The Mighty Mos Def. It really came down to the song, Mathematics. Meow’s an astrophysicist… or regular physicist? I dunno, but think Big Bang Theory. Leonardo Davinci’s art showed a deep understanding of mathematics, particularly geometry and proportion. I don’t know what Pollock does, but he looks like he owns a pocket protector or six. And Shandy will save you big percentages on the sale or purchase of your next home… at least that’s what I’ve seen in his MANY Facebook posts.
6. Vibes (12-3)… blah blah blah “mom’s spaghetti” blah blah they like Italian food blah blah Eminem. Also, close your eyes for a second. Imagine a wiffleball team. Imagine they’ve bleached their hair. They’re donning jeans and white tank tops… Can you see them? It’s the Vibes, right? Straight out of the Stan Video. I’m telling you… think about it.
[Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a picture of our commissioner with bleached hair… was it a phase? I dunno…]
5. Blue Wahoos (11-6)… B.o.B. believes the Earth is flat… so, he’d fit right in with these dudes. Jokes aside, B.o.B. is pretty talented. Like the Wahoos. Anyways, shout out Antics!
4. Rumble Ponies (12-5). Don’t ask me to explain it, but the Beastie Boys. It works. But I’m not sure why, and that makes for a horrible article… which fits my style and reputation perfectly!
3. Biscuits (16-1). I fed all 20+ years of HRL stats into A.I., then I asked it for an objective list of the top players of all time. Then I said, “what if four of those guys (and Sarge) all formed a team,” and then asked, “what would be the hip-hop equivalent… and the output was: Wu Tang Clan. I don’t even like the Wu Tang Clan (sorry, not sorry), but I love AI, so… whatever. Then I Googled the members and… well, Mippey5 = RZA, I’m obviously Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Smallpox is a Ghostface Killah, and Sarge also plays with us. I guess Griz is on the team too (eventually), and GZA is apparently a Wu Tang, so… GZA = Grizza.
2. To Cakes (from the Loons (14-3)): you used to call me on my cell phone… I knew when that hotline bling, that could only mean one thing… Ever since I left your city, you, you, you and me, we just don’t get along. You make me feel like I did you wrong… Anyways, If you aren’t familiar with the Hotline Bling, that was Drake…
1. I don’t say this about the Aces (15-2) to be Humble. They’re Not Like Us. It’s in their DNA. It’s Nightmare’s Theory that the rink is just their Element, Alright? i don’t know what their Recipe is, maybe u do. Anyways, time to turn the TV Off and submit these for publication… if you didn’t know, this entry is about Kendrick Lamar (who I think is currently the best rapper in the world).
[Originally, this was just going to be a: The Aces are Kendrick because they’re better than Drake… but… that’s not as funny as I wanted it to be.]
Other jokes that got left on the cutting room floor:
[Insert wiffleballer] is like 50 Cent because that’s all I’d pay to watch [him/her] play…
I’m not saying [insert wiffleballer] is an Outkast, but I’d certainly like to cast them out of the rink most nights…
The Aces are like Sisco, cause they got Dumps like a truck, truck, truck…
[insert team] is like J Kwon… something something Tipsy.
Finally, Skee-Lo, cause [insert team] wishes they were a little taller, a wiffleballer, shot caller…
I never did include Snoop Dogg… huh… or Biggie or Tupac… I might have to do this again with the rappers I left out… Smash the subscribe button and leave a comment if you’d like to see more!!! Fortnite’s got me watching too dang many dumba$$ YouTube videos… sigh…