I watched The Insider last night. Michael Mann. 1999. Phenomenal movie. Al Pacino might just be the best actor of all time.
Pacino’s performance has inspired me to make some inside predictions of our market.
Disclaimer: The words written here are for entertainment purposes only, and any similarity to actual announcements is purely coincidental. No one has confirmed any plans to me, despite my efforts to learn information.
Official Offseason Recap (based on the HRL website)
- The Wahoos and Tortugas have folded as franchises.
- The Americans, Marlins, Mets, and Rumbleponies have yet to confirm 2026 status.
- The Yankees recently confirmed they will return in 2026 after initial reports of folding.
Free Agent List With My Predictions
Stals (Tortugas)
Stals had a solid rookie season. One anonymous league front office member said, “He’s going to be really good and can pitch.” Stals would be a great investment with budding potential. Sleeper All-Star for 2026.
Prediction: New team with Mahomes and Mini Money.
Lil Mahomes (Yankees)
Get yourself a sure-handed Sticky Paw while you can. Plus, he can probably beat you up. Stay tuned for his next boxing match.
Prediction: New team with Stals and Mini Money.
Mini Money (Yankees)
Mini Money exploded last season and looks to continue his rise in a new organization. Based on his social media, he may not be satisfied with the market. Solution: start your own team (if you can) with other young talent.
Prediction: New team with Stals and Mahomes.
Stache (Millers)
Rumor has it Stache shut down all inquiries from Eagan because of road construction. Stache is an all-around player and looks to rebound after a bit of a down year at the plate. He finds a home with Fridley friends.
Prediction: Biscuits.
Sarge (Biscuits)
Last year’s playoff hero (highest team OBP and a better batting average than Griz) explores free agency. I don’t think the Fridley-based Chihuahuas or Wahoos will have space for him.
Prediction: Package deal with Nightmare on Mets.
Thunderson (Mets)
I’d like to have Thunderson in Eagan, and the Braves need a pitcher. Prediction: Braves.
Abrams (Tortugas)
I do not know much about Abrams. Enjoy Marty and the Millers.
Prediction: Millers.
Z Dog (Yankees)
The Space Cowboys need some pitching help, and Z fits the bill. I could also see him joining a new team that forms, potentially aboard with Mini Money.
Prediction: Space Cowboys.
Nightmare (Biscuits)
The Biscuits are crumbling. Nightmare is one of the best two-way players in the league and is shopping for a new team already, seemingly against his will. How do you fumble the greatest roster assembled in league history? Sad, sad franchise. Whoever gets Nightmare also gets 2030–2050 HRL MVP Fortnite. I hope to see Nightmare in Eagan, because that means more Fortnite games. Eagan also means less driving for him. It would take a real contender for him to stay in Hopkins, and I think that could be found.
Prediction: Mets.
The Wish (Wahoos)
The Wish continues his tour of the league after three years on the Wahoos. Apparently, he was the glue that held the Wahoos together because the franchise has now folded. I think we all know where he is headed, but since he is Family I’m not going to spoil it.
Prediction: 2026 Hopkins Champs.
Web Gem (Loons)
A valued journeyman whose services are always appreciated. Was he kicked off the Loons to make space for Griz, or did he leave voluntarily? That’s the real question. We can’t wait for stressed Web Gem at Yankee Tavern during the Wolves’ playoff run next May.
Prediction: Gothams reunion with H8R, Hal, and Jagr.
Griz (Biscuits)
No one was falling for his charade of considering Eagan. He joins his family on the Loons where he belongs, and I love to see it. Nothing beats family. First-round playoff exit to the Aces next year though.
Prediction: Loons.
Editor note: Is Griz related to Babyface or Cakes? I had in my mind that they were family when I first wrote this, but now I’m second-guessing myself. If not, they just feel like family, don’t they?
PNut (Blue Wahoos)
All you have to do is check Discord on a random workday and you’ll see PNut, Smallpox, Stache, and Two Bat in the gaming channel. I think it might be time for PNut to team with Smallpox now that the Biscuits are down a hitter.
Prediction: Biscuits.
O’Bannion (Tortugas)
MNWA legend O’Bannion should land on his feet. He’d fit in great with the Mariners, but they have a pretty full roster. Join the next best MNWA squad!
Prediction: Americans.
Cherry (Tortugas)
Family. Easy prediction here. He’ll slot in as the Biscuits’ number two pitcher. I think he is an easy Most Improved favorite for 2026. I haven’t seen him play much, but he will make a jump. It's in the genes.
Prediction: Biscuits.
Shandy (Space Cowboys)
One of the most slept-on pitchers in the league. He discovered a new pitch in Wifflepalooza last year that fooled the Vibes in the playoffs. His slider is also on par with the league pitching meta, making him a key arm for a contender. I could see him leading the Reds, Mets, or Americans in a playoff run. However, Mets and Americans are both in question as franchises.
Prediction: Reds.
Dominic (Space Cowboys)
Sorry, but I do not know who you are. Four games played last year. Head to the Marlins and get all the playing time you want.
Prediction: Marlins.
HOV
Confirmed on a recent podcast that Hov is back in Minnesota and currently a free agent. He’s an Eagan loyalist and would be an incredible addition for any team. Elite speed, star fielding, clutch bat, and playoff-winning pitcher. I initially thought a Seuss reunion made the most sense, but the Cowboys are perfect.
Prediction: Space Cowboys.
Every Remaining Blue Wahoos Player
T Sea, Shorts, Caveman Kershaw. Fridley crew sticking together. Prediction: Chihuahuas.
Air Bud. Chihuahuas are too crowded now, so join the next logical team of Fridley guys.
Prediction: Tourists.
Antics. Prediction: Retirement or moving out of state, seemingly confirmed on Twitter.
Unofficial Free Agents / Misc Predictions
These players are not listed on the website, but I am making predictions anyway.
Keeks
Keeks is Dumpy’s brother. Just like Griz to the Loons and Cherry to the Biscuits, we keep with the family theme. On a recent podcast, Aces manager Psych seemed to hint at adding a part-time player. Keeks goes to school in Boston and may very well be that part-time help.
Prediction: Aces.
Yankees: I’m just throwing this into the universe because I’d love to see it: Yankees and Americans merger with Web Gem. Solid squad if Hal pitches every week. Hal may be busy building his dream home out of rocks though.
Retirement Watch
Taco (Mets)
Alright, I’ll admit it. We got blown out in the World Series and I immediately texted Taco about his 2026 plans. He’s a bit cocky and brought nothing but bad vibes in our conversations about wiffleball. Good vibes talking about his amazing kid and plants though, the important things in life. For that reason, I could see a retirement for Taco. More likely, just find someone else with an amazing kid and keep the good vibes rolling.
Rocky (Yankees)
I was randomly thinking of Rocky the other day. What a solid dude. Good vibes at the rinks. Legendary fielder (3x). Consistent hitter. He only played two games last season after playing a consistent 20-plus every other year since 2010.
Hondi (Reds)
Maybe I’m reading too far into the recent podcast between Hov and Psych, but they seemed to loosely hint that Hondi may be questionable for the season. Moved a bit up north, has a puppy?? I could be wrong here. Hov confirmed that Palp will be returning, which would have been the bigger bet for retirement.
Marlins
They haven’t confirmed their status for 2026 yet, and I don’t think it’s because of poor communication. Neut would generally be on top of that. Though they carry a website roster of 12 players who all saw action in 2025, typically the larger the roster, the higher the risk for attendance issues. I think we may have seen the last of Schnoogens and Fedawg for a while, which is sad for Eagan.
Rumbleponies
Not sure why they haven’t confirmed 2026 status. I bet it’s just a missed communication and they will all return. If not, we’d have some very interesting free agents added to the mix.
Two Bat (UN-retirement)
Too busy for wiffleball? Fatherhood? I don't know what your excuse is for not playing, because that I literally see you gaming on Discord 4 hours a day, including at 1:30 am last night. Come back to the league you deadbeat.
Results
Here are what a few of my newly predicted rosters look like:
Biscuits: Smallpox, Mippey (SP1), Cherry* (SP2), Pnut*, Stache*, Two Bat*
Loons: Cakes (SP1), Griz* (SP2), Babyface, Fishy, Grand Slam (Bud Larp)
Chihuahuas: Nickname (SP2), Murse, AJizz, T Frid, T Sea* (SP1), Shorts*, Caveman Kershaw*
Aces: Psych (SP1), Dumpy (SP2), Billy, Dodger Dave, Keeks* (SP3)
Tourists: Daddy, Face (SP1), Air Bud* (SP2), C Word. Everyone else is cut. Source: Tourist front office. Sorry if this is how you find out.
Mets: Nightmare, Taco, JC, Sarge, Charwall, Dox
(*new addition)
New Hopkins Team: Mini Money, Lil Mahomes, Stals, Baby T
New Gothams Team (Eagan): Web Gem, Rocket, Torpedo, H8R, Hal, Jagr
Movement Prediction:
Americans (move to Hopkins): Knooty, Dipshit, Lulu, Average Joe, O’Bannion
The Americans return to Hopkins because space allows, but this leaves a gap in Eagan. Not sure who claims that, but there is plenty of talent to go around. Maybe we see a familiar face return and stake a claim...
Power Struggle
In Hopkins, the Aces remain favorites, but the Loons take a clear hold of number two. Then we get a tier of Tourists, Mets, Rumbleponies, Biscuits, and Chihuahuas, in that order.
Eagan stays the same for the most part, with the Vibes as favorites.
Eagan runner-up Hops stick in their spot at number two, if Old Yeller returns. He can be one to jump around teams, but I figure he would have used proper channels to declare free agency.
The Space Cowboys are in question with Shandy leaving and rumors of another huge loss that I will not confirm here. They will need to follow through on a few signings to maintain pitching depth.
Seuss missed the playoffs for the first time in his career (!!!) last season. The big addition here will be a healthy Handsome Mat. The Reds are in play for Shandy, Hov, and Nightmare. Any of those three would push them into the number two spot.
Conclusion
"Superteams" are not forever. They blow away like the winds of the 2021 Hopkins City Finals.
Family is forever. Take a look around the league.
The Aces are certified family. A trio of Prior Lake boys who grew up together. This family includes Hov and Hondi as well. Maybe they take it deeper with a Keeks signing too.
The Biscuits will make a move to solidify as family, blood cousins together. And gamer family united.
The Loons already exist as family (Cakes/Babyface), but will make a move to add someone who is basically family whether or not it is by blood or not (Griz).
Fridley. A large family which exists largely because of Mippey (and more importantly, Tom and Janet). The Fridley crew in the league is family. Chihuahuas, Tourists, Biscuits, Loons. All have roots from Factor Field.
Rumbleponies. Deep respect for a 6-man lineup who are all friends and have made ZERO signings in their time in the league. A rarity in present-day HRL. Family.
Mariners. Trent/Squirrel are family, and they create a family atmosphere at the rinks. Trent is also credited for the Americans family of Knooty/Dipshit via the MNWA.
Kardinals. High school friends. Family. Even if they went to smelly South St Paul High School. They take a trip each year as a family, and now we are seeing their family grow with births of new children (Congrats again Tootin).
Yankees. If this is really the end of the Yankees (by name only, I expect Rocket/Torpedo back), what a run that changed what family means in the HRL. Rocket/Torpedo. Torpedo/Mahomes. Santi! This crew is tight. Through it all, you have Rocket's steady hand. I've only declared 2 people in this league "Godfather", Truck and Cheerio. Rocket is now the 3rd.
Athletics. Father/son. How f*ckin cool is that. You can see the pride in Shirls soul anytime he chats about Wyatt. Not the only Shirls is a part of...
Lugnuts. Born via Shirls, a neighborhood group joined together in a new wiffleball community. The Lugnuts are beyond wiffleball. They create a family atmosphere worth showing up for. And now, I am officially and in-law of the Lugnuts family. See you at Thanksgiving!
You can't beat Family. It is inevitable. You can try with your free agent signings, heck, maybe you even win a lot of games, but Family wins in the end.