By Tim Molgren
I guess it is time for the league to be introduced to the mighty Indians. We may be rookies to wiffle, but we are veterans when it comes to striking out and not knowing what the hell we are doing. Without further adieu I introduce the tribe.
Scott Eckers – Eck, Chief Wahoo or Hot Karl for short. Scotty is our captain, our moral compass and resident celebrity. Always willing to make the last out, he will be continually disappointed in his team's play and may trade himself before the end of the year. Bats right, throws right.
Michael Bortke – Bork, Nuts or Chocolate Choo-Choo for short. Goes from home to first in the time it takes most people to go from home to third. Mikey will drink more than you, eat more than you and have more fun than anyone in this league. His favorite pitch is the stinker-- one whiff and you will be lucky to make it to the next inning. He is most likely to pull a hamstring by the All-Star Break. Bats left, throws right.
Todd Planting – T-Bag, Nose or The Angry Dragon for short. Quite possibly the most talented player on the Indians roster, it seems like Todd has been wielding a long, yellow bat all his life. Always willing to advance the runners, Todd will only swing for the fences if needed or when intoxicated. He is our only chance to make the All-Star team and if he does he probably won't show up. Bats right, throws right.
Craig John – CJ, Ceege or the Slump Buster for short. Anyone with two first names is no one you should trust, and we don't. CJ is from parts unknown and we don't know to0 much about this guy other than he is ultra competitive and will do anything to win. The nickname "Slump Buster" speaks for itself. When in a slump he will do anything to break out, and we mean anything. In the immortal words of Eddie Murphy, "when he comes to my house, the fish stop swimming". Watch out ladies, I smell an early season slump. Bats right, throws right.
Tim Molgren – Molgs, Hairline or Dirty Sanchez. Most likely to get kicked out of a game for arguing with the wooden strikezone, Molgs can be disruptive and will be late for games. For some odd reason he believes the Indians will win the 'Series and even if they don't, will still tell his grandchildren that they did. He is shifty and can be bribed. Watch out for his "mean face" pitch, it will get you every time. Bats right, throws right.
If you happen to see 5 guys with a cooler, Indians hats and a confused look on their faces, that will be us. Please point us in the right direction. We don't know the rules but we will learn. We will be entertaining and competitive and I predict the Indians to win the 'Series in a sweep. It is time for some respect. See you all May 2nd!!!
P.S. If any one has a 6 foot cardboard cutout of a porn star let us know. We would like to disrobe her with every Indians win.
Go Tribe!!!