Hot Stove News: Death Knell for Rangers

Free agency losses mean death knell for Rangers**
Silversteins now dead to former teammates (except Hobbs... and probably Dutch)

Big changes have been in store for the Rangers ever since losing some key members of their roster. Because of the face lift that was in order, the Rangers decided that the only way to move forward was through a name change. At the Rangers winter meeting, the remaining three, Hobbs, Bliss, and Dr. K voted, among other things, to change their name to the Giants.

"I've been a lifelong fan of the San Francisco baseball Giants," said Dr. K, "And it's always been a dream of mine to don a Giants uniform. Plus, now that the douche bag Dodgers fans are no longer part of the team, it gave us the freedom to move forward and rename the team to the Giants."

"Huh, huh. He said douche bag. Huh, huh," said Hobbs.

"Well, it was sort of obvious last year that the end was near," said Bliss, "I mean, Silver made those sweet black D'angers jerseys for him and his brother. I asked him if he was making one for the rest of us, and he just looked at me funny, then screamed something unintelligible in a real high pitched voice, and did some sort of pirouette while running. It was really odd. When I asked The Kid, he just told me yeah, yeah, I'll make you the uniforms, just hide that damned radar gun! The uniforms never came. I guess I didn't see it coming at the time, but now it's obvious."

"I could go on and on now about the signs," said Dr. K, "But in reality, I was in denial. I couldn't think of losing the only two all-stars In Dodgers-Rangers history. I couldn't think of losing those two Jersey boys or wherever they're from with charming good looks, winning smiles, and happy-go-lucky attitudes.... They're dead to me now."

"I just want to play some wiffle ball again," said Hobbs. "Is there a winter league?"

Changing their name wasn't the only move in store for the Rangers, now Giants. Bliss, Hobbs, and K were faced with some incredibly tough roster decisions, and after some analysis after many pints of beer, were decidedly uncertain of Dutch's allegianceses, and dedication (mainly because he wasn't there.) In the end, the Giants felt it was best to offer Dutch a contract for their Triple-A team, the Fighting Chuck Norristers, in Crawford, Texas with an opportunity to try out for the team in spring training. He turned down the Giants offer, opting instead for free agency.

"You know, it's hard," said Bliss, "We loved Dutchyfunstar. (really, really loud burp) We still do. But when it came down to what was best for the team... Miss... Miss, another pint of Guinness, please... we felt we did what we had to do."

"Yeah" said Dr. K, "Dutch is a punk, though. Ha ha. You're not going to print that, are you? You're a punk too!"

"I don't know, I kinda liked Dutch (hiccup)" said Hobbs, "And the Silversteins for that matter (barf)."

So the story goes at least, as none of the Giants actually remember the conversation.

To fill the void in their roster, the Giants called up a couple of promising rookies from Crawford, and signed them to Major League contracts. Jonathan (JC) Comito, from Brooklyn; and TJ Woldum, from the streets of South Minneapolis, son of current Giants pitcher, Hobbs.

JC, the supposed savior (although not everyone believes so) of the Giants, has been signed to a one year contract worth $0. Incentives include hi-fives after every home run, and an appreciative point after making a fantastic play in the field.

TJ Woldum has agreed in principle to the contract while the terms are still being negotiated. Woldum's agent, Hobbs, is asking for a package similar to that of JC.

**All quotes are not the actual words of the attributed. We still love the Silvers and Dutch. We are called the Giants, and we have signed JC and TJ Woldum.